CaringBridge and Be Positive ‘Family’ –
It has been over 2 years since Andrew was diagnosed with Leukemia. While we still wake up every day, and go through our daily routines, often it is just that…routine. We just go through the day like we’re on auto-pilot. Every day is so difficult for us, some more than others, but we have to keep going. Often, I question why this happened, or what I could’ve done differently that maybe would have made this whole situation have a different outcome. Of course I come up with so many things I think I could’ve/should’ve done, but that can’t change and in reality, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
Now, my parents and I have to go through each day and make the best of it. We have no regrets in regards to Andrew’s life. We know for a fact that he was happy. He was always smiling. He lit up a room. His personality cheered up the saddest person & he always knew what to say to make you feel better (story about that below…just keep reading J). He had a great life. We have no regrets that we did all we could for Andrew. We got him the best doctors we could, got as many opinions we could, and now we are honoring him in the best way we can. No regrets. However, sometimes you can’t help but get sucked into blaming yourself. What if I did this? Out of all of this, a lot of people’s faith became stronger…if my faith was already strong would it not have happened? Those types of questions. Quite honestly, they hurt to think of.
While we may appear to be happy (God, I wish) & seem as if we’ve moved on (which will never happen, I can guarantee you) it’s a cover. People tell me I’m so strong, thank you for the compliment because I try to be, but I’m really not. It’s a cover. On the inside, I feel as if I’m falling apart. I guess I kindof am…a piece of me is missing, a MAJOR piece of me is missing. I just go through the day doing what I have to. Some days I feel like I’m in my own world…it’s actually kindof a scary feeling, but I feel like everyone is living their own life in 2009 and I’m still back in 2007 maybe around July 15/16ish.
Guys, Girls…we still need you. Some days we rely on your postings . Your stories of how Andrew has affected your life or your memories of Andrew truly make our day. I know many people don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to say to other families that are in my position, but just knowing that you care means the world. I know my dad has tried to hint at this, but I figured I’d just go all out and admit it…we need you still. We’re not “over it”. We never will be. To be honest, some days we wonder if anyone even reads our CaringBridge anymore, so if no one responds to this, I guess I have my answer haha. Now that I think about it, if you forget about us, I guess that’s ok haha. I know everyone’s lives are so busy, but it’d be nice to have your support. Forget about us, that’s fine. But please don’t forget about Andrew. Please. If you remember him by throwing on your B+ shirt, awesome! If you remember him by visiting someone’s CaringBridge and giving them some extra B+ support, great! If you remember him by living like him, fantastic! However you choose, just please remember him.
July 14, 2007 my life changed forever. I will never be the ‘Ali’ I was prior to that date. I’m incomplete.
Now before everyone gives me the infamous lecture of how I have to live for myself, I know. I know I have to live for myself, that’s why I wake up every morning and go through every day with a smile on my face. I appear happy because it makes it easier for everyone to approach me; be honest, if I had a straight face, or a frown on my face, would you be more likely to come up to me rather than if it was a happy smile? Smile’s always win. Just think about it, Andrew was always smiling & people had no problem approaching him, did they? I’m living for myself now, but not only for me. I’m living for Andrew, my mom, my dad, my friends (old & new). I’m living for them because they help me get through every day. Without them, I’d probably be curled up in a ball on the couch watching TV until I fell asleep, then woke up and continued that same routine over and over…not healthy.
I hope everyone made today a great day. I hope you touched at least one person’s life. Did you know that even a simple smile can make someone’s day? Trust me. It can. If you’re not happy with the way you lived your life today, I hope & pray you’re able to wake up tomorrow & live tomorrow how you wish you would have lived today. No regrets people, no regrets.
Ok, enough doom & gloom. Now an Andrew story:
It was probably around the 15th or so of January 2007 (approx. 14 days before he was diagnosed and our new life began). I was sitting in our family room at home doing my homework and I got that feeling where it feels like someone is staring at you. Do you know the feeling I’m talking about? Of course I looked up to see if someone was really staring at me, and sure enough there was Andrew. Andrew was standing maybe 5 feet away from me smiling (see smiles are key!) and holding a piece of paper. On the piece of paper he wrote the words “I LOVE YOU”. He was just waiting until I looked up and noticed; I think it was much more special that way. As you can tell, I will never forget that day. Heck, I still have the piece of paper! To me, this story shows how special Andrew is.
I hope all of you are fortunate enough to be touched by Andrew’s ‘magic’ and hopefully you can, in some way, live like Andrew.
Clinging to Friends and Family & Hoping for a CURE,
SO PROUD TO BE,
Andrew’s Sister
PS. The main picture on www.caringbridge.org/visit/andrewmcdonough is from the same night. After Andrew gave me the piece of paper he wrote “I LOVE YOU” on he posed for a picture J.
